It's been five months.
Life-changing. Finally letting go, finally falling for someone again; you think you finally find the key that unlocks the door, only for it to break before it turns full circle. It's maddening to know that it takes a couple of wrong keys on the chain to finally find the one that opens the door to you - your heart included - that sometimes, you don't want to take any more chances.
I thought there was a connection. Ultimately, I buried myself in work.
That's what happens. I thought it was pointless, that we are constantly feeling, constantly hurting, constantly being happy- that emotions never just stop. You work and you work hard because then you dont feel, you don't think - and it becomes a placebo - a drug you think cures you. It blinds you, yes, but for what? is it easier for you to swallow to know that just delaying it buys you time...
I've missed him. I've missed him a lot.
Merry Christmas, darling.
I feel like i'm going to throw up. That, or this is the feeling of deep regret. The lack of inner strength, and mostly, the lack of love.
Desire is something that is hard to contain. Once you desire - may it be a person, an object or an ideal, it's hard to walk away from, especially if desire is fuled on both ends. Temptation leads to desire... and... leaves you hurt, confused and yet, wanting even more.
"... say that you love me" he told me as a million thoughts rushed into my mind. A lot of the thoughts saying "no, you love jon, you love him so much that this should NOT be happening" yet its as if my mind and my heart has been waiting for this moment, as if we both knew that this was the inevitable and that it was just bound to happen. Yet, as he said that statement to me, my heart screamed it, but my mouth dare not say it, for saying it makes it real...
... in my heart, I said it as loud as I could possibly say "I love you".
Currently obsessed with Adam and the Ants.
This weekend; what a trip. International Weed Day during International Weed Month, yet, stayed so fresh and so clean. You must of thought otherwise. Got written up at work in the last couple of days - special trip.
Yet again, it was my fault. You cannot have your cake and eat it, too.
I worry. The rumor mill, being the word of mouth; it's not so fun. Sometimes, you are allowed to have a complete and utter dislike for most of your boyfriend's/significant other's friends.
It's funny - i'm skinnier than the bitch that called me a 'fat white chick' - JEALOUS! SUKKKKAAAAAA!
I got a free month pass to 24 Hr. Fitness a couple of days ago.
Possibly life-changing. Making numerous promises to close friends (Keku? Tish? ring a bell? GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE LEMON FROSTING!) about the 'healthy' way to live yet polluting that very temple 'cause my body is my temple' with booze, cigarettes (non? smoking or second-hand smoke via Jon, but I don't care), and gluttony - Hershey's S'mores, anyone? Time management is a bust - Work, or Jon. Not much else going on, not unless you count the Vodka-in-the-Fanta nights with Sheens or that one beer tower night at Jackies Kitchen at Ala Moana. I'm a creature in a world called habit, and i'm just living it.
Perhaps. Perhaps the pass was a calling. Martyr, maybe. I'm a Martyr for those who want to be healthy but fall into self-fufilling prophecy of 'I'll never lose weight". Hypocrite. I've done it (rather unhealthilly) before. Bull... shit. It's all in the mind, most just can't even jump over the hurdle of what is called 'laziness'. It's determination. It's that one millionth time you've heard from your mother about how 'fat' you've become. I wonder how much times it takes for a person to hear 'fat' being associated with them before they finally crack?
Rage being another. Perhaps it's been rubbed off on me, but the tolerance levels for bullshit have been shot. Perhaps, I finally met someone I just don't fucking like, for once. Usually, I play 'little nice girl' and don't give them any satisfaction, but truth be told, I just think shes a downright bitch. Rage, I tell you.
Gotta resolve. I need a resolution.
chances. first one, then two, three... and the cycle, goes on and on. one more chance, one more fuck-up and i'm cutting the cord, closing the door, blocking-from-my-cell-phone you forever.
many things going on in my life as of late, it's all very maddening, tiring and beautiful at the same time. i'm learning as i have to, dealing accordingly.
it was today, though.
i finally fell in love.
The world is in retrograde.
Perhaps it was the catch and release of a foreign anti-body trying to fit in a world that it could never adapt to.
Smoking. Drinking. Moving out and hasty decisions, it's as if people forgot and became something different. Perhaps we're all the same, just amplified. We've only just started daylight savings time, but does that necessarily mean that things weren't meant to be, that its just bad timing?
With everything thats gone on in the last couple of days, it was actually.... perfect.
He (as in, the boy, not the foreign anti-body) came right when I needed him the most. Even if hes gone (momentarily? forever?) I needed it. My cure. My Big to my Carrie, my key to my lock...
He could navigate through my complicated design. I hate him, I fear for him, I worry, I... with him, im in a state of somewhere between waking and sleeping.
Perhaps this time, it's love.
Scene: Sunday Night, Home.
I am a complete mess. 'Did you fall down somewhere?' my aunt asks about my disheveled and very dirty appearance. 'Yeah, something like that' I reply, one part of my heart falling, one part in complete limbo. Confusion.
I am a strong-willed woman. I know what I want.
I've been saying that to myself like a mantra, but you know its a bad sign when it's followed with something in the lines of '... but I will NOT get attached'. That yes, I've learned a lot from my horrible and often regrettable destructive relationship with Ryan, but with this new guy... I'm thrown all over the place. I want to stand my ground, I want to have some form of say in... dare I say in the 'relationship' - even if it doesn't seem like it is one, but it's something, nonetheless...
It's not my insecurities, for once, that will be the end of whatever this.. TRYST is, because it's proven to be quite the opposite. With Ryan, I was so insecure about EVERYTHING - my looks, body, emotions and my performance, with Bronson... I feel good - about my looks, my body - I've never felt so sexy, so desired... EVER. He treats my body like a temple, he touches me in ways that make me feel things that Ryan has never even remotely made me feel. In ways, its a) I've been faking everything that I thought was real when I was with Ryan intimately and b) everything that I thought was so wrong... feels so RIGHT when I'm with Bronson. With him, I am not afraid, I am willing... and although, ALTHOUGH it's as if he knows, monitors and studies my every move, he uses it to his advantage. It sends shivers down my spine, yes, when he knows I want to please him, but it's exciting to know that even if he plays it out as something that doesn't interest him, he gets hot knowing that I get hot about something so trivial.
The thing is, though. Thats the thing. With the things that have been happening...
I still don't know what is going on. Between us. With us.
... yet it still leaves me wanting more.
What's your musical horoscope? (Put your player on shuffle and write down the first 10 songs that come up.)
Inspired by Stephanie.
01 :: Q and not U - Wonderful People
02 :: Explosions in the Sky - Your Hand in Mine
03 :: Interpol - Public Pervert
04 :: The Killers - Andy, You're a Star
05 :: Q and not U - District Night Prayer
06 :: Goldfrapp - Strict Machine
07 :: The Strokes - What Ever Happened
08 :: Youth Group - Catching and Killing
09 :: Sufjan Stevens - Chicago
10 :: Broken Social Scene - Lover's Spit
Here's my request list. If any of you guys have these CMs..please do share. Help a girl out. I will love you forever!
(Previous thanks to stef, jeffhst, biwozyu & Michelle!)
NEW REQUEST (as of July 2007)
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ANY 長瀬智也/TOKIO CM
ANY 伊勢谷友介 CM
Thanks so much in advance!
Hey y'all..welcome to my personal CM site. So here are the rules:
1. I'm locking all the entries so if you want to download or see anything..you have to join and let me know! There is only one entry in the archive (this one) because all the other entries are locked. You will not see anything unless you join VOX and until I add you to my list.
2. Please respect me and the others.
3. You can request for a specific CM..I will try my best to find it for you if I don't have it already. If I don't get back to you within..4 days, then that means I can't help you.
4. I can't stress this enough..YOU NEED TO COMMENT when you download from me. If you don't, then I will hate you forever and I will track you down! It's not that I'm bitchy or anything..but I just need to know who likes what and who's been reading. So yeah, this is definitely the most important rule.
5. You can also contribute CMs. If I don't have something..you can email it to me. I'll also put up a list of CMs that I need. So yeah, if you have something that I don't..please do share! I'll love you for doing so. My email address is: dutycallscm@gmail.com
6. If you want to download something but the link for that file expired already, just drop me a quick comment telling me which file you want me to reupload. I'll do that only if I still have that CM in my computer (cause I deleted some already!)
7. I mentioned it so many times but I'm gonna do it again..this is my PERSONAL CM site! I will upload any CMs that chooses to upload.
8. Have fun and enjoy! That's pretty much it. Be nice and always comment. Thanks, y'all!
Yours truely, Stacz
DO NOT SHARE MY DOWNLOAD LINK WITH ANY NON-MEMBERS. If I catch you, then byebye..you are outy!
